May 2007

They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...well, I'd have to disagree I say it starts with a little car I like to call Betty. Name subject to change to four letter expletives should Betty stall, get lost or cause me to drive on the wrong side of the road. And no the name Betty has nothing to do with famous cartoon character Betty Boop...but EVERYTHING to do with my favorite golden girl and yours Betty White...or good ol' Rose. Because just like Rose I hope to have many many long rambling stories to recount about my travels...much like she does about St. Olaf. Now this prized vehicle I will be driving doesn't have a cd player...and since radio is not always a guarentee driving through mountains...I was forced to scour the city looking for tapes...and let me say the selection was bleak...but admist the abba, hanson and numerous eurotrash cassettes I was able to score some aerosmith, pearl jam, michael jackson (thriller), springstein, cat stevens, phil colins and of course billy joel's greatest hits. Anyways I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to profess my dying love and devotion to New Zealand trash magazines...and so with that here is my top ten list of why New Zealand Celeb magazines rule...in no particular order:
1. They have obscene graphic photos of celebrities in compromising positions
2. New Zealanders have no ACTUAL celebrities themselves so it's all american/uk pop culture...but who are we kidding the uk has no pop culture either...so really it's just britney spears
3. The only "claim to fame" that New Zealand can even attempt to label a 'celeb' would be Keisha the girl from that whalerider movie and Xena the warrior princess...and yes folks I am in the same country that these god given talented women reside in...jealous? I would be.
4. They have an ask the psychic section....with such earth shattering revelations like...one woman asked is my dog sitting near me...the psychic said yes....and I'm not kidding that was the actual question
5. They have wordfinds, soduko, crosswords and spot the difference between two pictures
6. They print BLATANT lies that even I have to question
7. They can't spell...and neither can I
8. they give away free packets of stale cookies
9. They have tearjerker inspirational articles about people with big club like feet that find love with men who have foot fetishes...or how about the one about the girl whose sister became a man and they fell in love...I was just as excited as you to learn Jerry Springer came in not just televised format...but magazines as well!
10. and finally well...there is no tenth so deal with it.
...Right now I'm Nelson the top of the south island and in the next week I hope to hit all three national parks in the vicinity (abel tasman, nelson and karahangi (or something like that). Anyways will report more later...hope all is well with everyone and I love and miss you all!
P.S. The flight from the North Island to the South island...truely breathtaking...with water looking like frozen swirls of ice jutting out into windswept streams, green plotted land sprinkled with the occasional house or two...flying through clouds that resembled freshly popped popcorn but quickly morphed into a patch of flattened cauliflower with glimpses of the water breaking through here and there with the sun setting on the clouds and the faint glimmer of the moon in the background...